1. There will always be someone to like your selfies. You can now post freely without fear of Zero Likes.
2. He can not reply to your text and you won’t go into a panic attack shame spiral wondering if he’s ghosting. You can say “he’s probably just busy” and know for a fact that yes, that is why. It’s like having an oxygen tank at all times.
3. You always have someone to zip up the back of your dress so you don’t have to do that weird acrobatic arm thing. Even if it is probably good for your deltoids or something. It still blows.
4. You always have someone to split food with for those days when you feel like ordering like a monster but then remember you have a normal human stomach. And then on days when you somehow have a superhuman stomach…
5. You have twice the food always. Oh what’s that? You’re not hungry? Guess who is? It’s me!
6. No more Tinder dates to run screaming from while wearing shoes that are really hard to run in. Plus, no after-work drink dates means you can actually get through the work week without a hangover from hell. Hello, productivity and a general lack of nausea.
7. You can do any embarrassing thing on the planet and he will still think sun shines out of your butt. Which it honestly could. You don’t know. You can’t see down there.
8. You finally at long last have someone to suffer through family dinners with. There is no better feeling than kicking your boyfriend under the table when your granddad straight up starts eating that huge bowl of gravy with his own spoon.
9. You get to double date with your friends aka you get to spy on you friends’ boyfriends to make sure they’re good enough. And run over the data you have learned with your boyfriend to make sure you didn’t miss any #facts.
10. No more fumbly, weird “I don’t even know what you like” first-time s*x. That’s not to say that boyfriend sex is fool-proof but your odds of having someone accidentally pull your hair because their stupid elbow was on it go down by a lot.
11. You automatically have approximately 40 percent more space in your brain because it’s not begrudgingly focused on meeting The One. Obviously this much of your brain isn’t focused on that but Jesus Christ, sometimes it feels like it’s supposed to be and it’s exhausting.
12. Valentine’s Day is no longer a day of chalky candy-filled dread. It might be a day of excited joy or a day when you both do the same things you always do, but it holds no power over you any more, so suck it, V-Day.
13. All the time you used to spend online dating can now be spent on doing things that make your soul happy. Instead of killing it with a machete because Jesus Christ, one of these has to be good, right? (Not really).
14. Couples costumes! I’d be lying to you if I didn’t say I’ve had a lot of ideas about this lately, so FYI, next person I date: I have a whole list of potential couples costumes. We’re set for three years, minimum.